By: Cecilia Rivera
One of the pivotal moments in my early motherhood journey was realizing the absence of the much needed supportive community around me.
I think we all have this fantasy, that when we become a mother, "the village" just appears. And maybe for some, that is the case. But it wasn't for me.
Once the "new baby!" visits were over the 1st week, it was generally my husband and me on our own.
I became a mom in the, "super mom" era. The do-it-all-yourself era. And while I did have family around, my own relationship with mom was / is not the loving, mother-daughter relationship that Hallmark cards are made for. Simultaneously, while I did have other family nearby, the occasional, "call me if you need anything" was vague and, as a mother with minimal support and spouse that worked LONG hours as a CPA, I didn't even know what to ask for help with or what I could even ask for help for. I felt like a burden asking for help and, wow, what I was would whisper to myself if I could go back now...
Not having other mothers within my own immediate circle that I felt aligned with when I first became a mom, I felt an intuitive nudge to join all the "crunchy" moms groups that I could find.
I am so grateful for Meet Up and Facebook at the time when I became a mom as those made finding these groups so easy. One of the most valuable groups I had joined was Holistic Moms Network (or HMN) where I met so many moms like me - moms wanting to do their best to strive for a holistic life for themselves and their family.
I will never forget all the friendships I made through that group and continue to keep in contact with over the last 12 years, including even my best friend AND the friend that I discuss below!
I distinctly recall an evening during one of our HMN "Moms Night Out" meetups. I candidly shared my struggle of not having time for myself during the day. Although my older child attended preschool in the mornings, my 2 year-old was not old enough to attend the same preschool and I wasn't needing daycare and hiring a sitter to be home with him for a few hours wasn't the right fit either.
I got the luck of two kids that were not good nappers. Any mom who has experienced this knows what that means. Once my kids hit 2 years-old, or even earlier, they stopped napping in the crib and would only do motion naps. That meant me either pushing the stroller or driving in the car endlessly.
As much as I loved my kids, I craved a break. Someone to take even my 2 year old so that I could decompress for an hour. I felt chronically stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful. And I won't pretend that this didn't affect my marriage. It did. While my husband was working 12+ hour days including weekends, I would sit on my front steps, drenched in sweat watching my 2 babies sleeping in the stroller after I had just walked them for 45 minutes, asking myself, why wasn't I one of the lucky ones that had a built-in family village? (This was pre-portable-baby-camera time so I couldn't go inside to do chores, I just had to do whatever I could bring outside.)
I didn't know then what I know now and what took me years to cultivate within myself.
I didn't know then that, while yes, I didn't have the dream village, I still COULD have one and that the only person limiting me was myself.
At the time, I couldn’t envision a way out of my perceived limitations, so I harbored utter bitterness and resentment for a considerable period. And I own that. I can see now that this was all part of my journey.
It wasn’t until a fellow mom at the meetup, who also had zero family nearby, empathized with my struggles and proposed an idea:
"Hey, I'm considering starting an in-home daycare. Would you be interested in bringing your son a few mornings a week?"
Recalling that moment almost brings me to tears. Looking back, this was clearly divine intervention.
After I emphatically said, "yes!!!!", what unfolded from that question was the most beautiful experience.
I ended up bringing my 2 year-old son 2-3 morning a week and he thrived! He enjoyed the time with my friend's two sons who were similar in age. My friend never ended up pursuing the formal in-home daycare, but her and I both co-created the most beautiful relationship between our families and I am forever grateful to her for offering this to me.
At the time of this, my dear friend had an older son was was not able to leave the home due to medical reasons. This allowed my friend the ability to care for her older son, while her two younger sons got to socialize simultaneously. It was a win-win for both of us. And a clear example of how community is created - when two or more parties come together based on a shared or similar need to support each other.
Not only was I able to get a "break", I found joy in a consistent weekly schedule of teaching pre- and post-natal yoga two mornings a week (which makes my heart explode) and on the third day, I did activies just for me - I'd take care of myself - however that looked - going to the gym, taking a yoga class myself, getting my nails done, shopping without feeling like I was a contestant on the tv show, Super Market Sweep.
Upon reflection, this truly marked the inception of my village. Saying "yes" to that opportunity was a pivotal moment for me. It instilled in me hope, trust, and the courage to think outside the box. I had no idea at the time that everything I had went through early in my motherhood journey would be preparing me for living my life's purpose - to support other mothers going through the same.
If you find yourself without the support of a traditional village, remember, it doesn't mean you'll never have one. It simply means that you've been entrusted with the creative freedom to build your own!
And that's empowering, mama.
For those seeking guidance in creating their village…
I've developed a program tailored specifically for mothers who resonate with my journey, titled 'Create Your Village.' Through this program, I guide you in cultivating the supportive community we all need and deserve as mothers.
Through live virtual sessions held twice a week on Mondays and Wednesdays over four weeks, we delve deep into community building, vulnerability, self-reflection, sharing our strengths and struggles, taking conscious action and so much more. Through our live discussions, the weekly journal prompts, and the integration exercises, this program is designed to take you from struggling alone to beginning to thrive in community.
Click HERE to embark on your journey of community creation today. We're not meant to do motherhood alone!
Hope to see you at our first live session!
XO,
C
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